Following through

How many times as moms to we tell our kids, “if you do that one more time….” Or “if you don’t pick up your room…”
My kids are masters of mess. Their rooms are disaster areas! And I find myself saying “I’m going to throw all your stuff away if it doesn’t stay picked up.” We’ll today I did it!! I didn’t throw all their stuff away because that would be like throwing all my money in the trash can. But I took every toy, pillow, blanket and stuffed animal out of the girls room. And stuffed it all in the boys room closed the door and locked it. Then I brought the four of them into the Barron girls room and informed them this is where the four of them would be residing for the foreseeable future. Right now they are naively enjoying the large open space. (And I’m a admittedly upset that they aren’t more upset) but that joy isn’t going to last long. I will be sure to follow up this short sweet little blurb with the days that follow.

This can be the first of a series of my “how do you do it” posts.
Lesson one (for and from me): follow through. Cause if you don’t they won’t.

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A terrible day in the house of guilt

It started yesterday when I slipped in the kitchen and fell. I texted my husband and he came home to help me. Him helping me consisted of him sitting on his work computer for five hours then going to see Star Trek. This morning I woke up and can hardly walk. The tumor on my spine cases so much pain. The one on my head is starting to become very painful too. Usually I deal with pain very well and continue about my day. Today it’s like everything is stacked on top of me waiting for me to break. And I did. While asking the kids to clean the girls room I have found the following, two bags of garbage,wrappers from food they have snuk out of the kitchen, TEN distroyed books, THREE distroyed puzzles, TWO ruined board games. Over and over I went back and gave them one step direction; now do this and so one. Only to find after doing this for three hours they were just shoving crap everywhere.

I am completely drowning in my own life. I can’t do anything anymore. My house is an utter disaster, seriously FEMA should come check it out. I have ZERO help. My husband is wonderful and I don’t know what we would so without his amazing job. But when it comes to around here he’s nearly useless. Anyone who has spoken to me knows I absolutely love my in laws. Amazing people through and through. Maybe that’s why I’m so surprised that after a month of not hearing anything from them, not a single call or text to see how I was feeling, it took Brys telling them how upset I was about them not caring for them all to text me in one day. Cause that’s subtle. I am feeling like my children would be so much better off without me. Maybe they need to be away from me while I try to recover. But I would be lost even more with out the insanity and unexplainable bliss they bring to my day. When it comes to the help I actually do need the kids just can not provide that for me. And it’s unfair to even think for a minute they could or should. I just simply can not do what I need to anymore. I had to stop being a Girl Scout leader for Malainas troop, I received two Incompletes in the classes I was taking, the same two baskets of laundry have been sitting in the corner of the kitchen for two weeks. I am so so ashamed of my house that I’m too proud to let anyone come and help me because I feel it has gotten “too bad”.

Today my mommy quilt is killing me.

The joys of neurofibromatosis.

As promised I am writing a post about Neurofibromatosis or NF. It is a genetic disorder, I was born with it so were Malaina and Harrison. Is causes tumors (usually benign) to grow on nerve tissue and can cause major damage by compressing nerves and other tissues. It’s terribly painful at times. And can be very obvious that a person has it, like in my case. My body looks something like this.these are the neurofibromas, I probably have close to 200. Mostly on my trunk.

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Where my children look something like this,

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These are called cafe au late spots. Hopefully these are all they will ever have, because these are not painful and much more cosmetically pleasing.

So far you are probably thinking well this is not that big of a deal, and usually it isn’t. But there are many other “rare” symptoms that come along with NF. They are complex and often very sad. I’m very lucky that me and my children have it as mild as we do. As I continue telling you how I am personally affected I hope to not offend any of the individuals who have it far far worse.

All three of us have poor eye sight, and need glasses. When I was an infant I had eye surgery to remove tiny growths for my eyes. Thankfully my kids haven’t needed. But come on how stinkin cute is a baby with glasses?

20130514-124450.jpg and they are cute on their first day of kindergarten too.

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In some cases it can affect your joints, I have a large neurofibroma that has been slowly consuming my right elbow. Someday very soon I will need the elbow replaced.
I deal with pain everyday, and I have gotten used to it in many ways. That’s why when I had back pain for longer then I can even honestly say I thought little of it. Especially after five pregnancies in eight years I figured it was just par for the course. I should have learned my lesson about dismissing pain when I suffered an aneurism two years ago and almost died from it. But I’m stubborn and put off going to the doctor again. Finally I decided I needed something stronger for the pain then Tylenol and made the appointment. Being that I have a colorful medical history my doc decided to do a scan. Every detail of the appointment after that will be in my memory for a very long time. My kids were with me, and were watching Cars on the portable DVD player, Sam had a large zip lock bag of dinosaurs he was playing with and Harry lay sleeping in my lap. Dr. M came in with the scans and his nurse, he said he thought it would be best if she took the kids out while we talked. I knew then the news I was about to hear would be terrible. When they were gone he told me they found a neurofibroma at the base of my spine, and that it was cancerous.a neurofibroma sarcoma. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. It was like the earth stopped moving. I had about a million thoughts going through my head every second. Dr. M took my hand and brought me back down to earth. I started internal radiation therapy within a week.
Now that I’m rockin the bald head, we found another large Neurofibroma on the back of my head. It is thankfully benign but will be removed anyway.

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I don’t really know what else to say about NF. Please feel free to like my Facebook page the guilty mommy. I will be doing a Q&A there all day. :)

Hello fellow mommies, and welcome to The Guilty Mommy blog. My name is Sara Tyrrell, and I am a loyal follower of multiple “mommy pages” and have been made aware of the infamous mommy war. Where moms attack other moms for anything that they feel is “wrong”. In a world where women and especially moms are constantly under a microscope I have been overwhelmed with mom guilt, feeling like I’m not good enough or that I’m constantly making mistakes that will surely ruin my children’s lives. I can’t possibly be the only mom who feels this way. So I have created a place to talk about my life as a mom and hopefully show women they are not alone in guilty mommy land.

So who am I? I am Sara, a 28 year old mother of five. That’s right five, ill give you a moment to let that sink in. Are we good? Ok. My oldest is an eight year old boy named Gaven. He is a lover of anything outside and sports. A boy through and through. He has autism. Very mild, he is in a special Ed class that has been helping him emencly. His autism and difficulties are a big sorce of my mommy guilt. Surely I have made some vital error somewhere along the first years of his life that have made him autistic. Maybe vaxing. Maybe formula feeding. Ill never know. No one will. He wants to be an art teacher when he grows up. His smile is contagious and he is kind and loving. He isn’t his autism. Malaina is my six year old girl, she is a bright little girl, we are working hard to get her a hearing aid and teach the family sign, she put a popcorn kernel in her ear a couple years ago and it got stuck. Long story short she is nearly deaf in that ear. Malaina also has a genetic disorder called Neurofibromatosis, I have it as well. I will dedicate an entire blog about this ASAP. Natalie is five and the spitting image of me. She looks like me and acts like me, her teen years will be pure joy. She is a very gentle heart also like me and gets hurt and seemingly nothing. These three beautiful children are from my first marriage. I will attempt to make an unbiased post about kid sharing and dealing with exes. Cause there is guilt galor with that.
Samuel is three, the first product of love between my husband and I. He is too smart for my own good and often referred to as the red headed devil. But he is a mommas boy through and through. And then little Harrison, our fifth and final is six months old. He was exactly what our family needed to make it complete.

I can’t count how many times I hear “wow, your busy” or “you’ve got your hands full” oh and my very favorite usually comes from women my age with maybe a child or two “how do you do it?” This she says to me with this look of hope on her face that I have some secret answer that will turn her life into the fairy tale we all dream of, ya know the one I call it the Pinterest dream. Where your home is filled with hand made crafts, and smells of gourmet from scratch meals and is cleaned with DIY products with no chemicals that might harm little Johnny. And your 2.5 children are wonderfully behaved while they play in their beautifully organized rooms. Wow that sounds amazing dosent it?! I live in a mad house that’s ran my a band of tiny maniacs that I created. And I love almost every moment of it. Somedays I hide in my room and eat candy I’ve hidden just to have two minutes to myself. And I feel ZERO guilt about that. I hope you will all enjoy following me. Right now the kids are finally sleeping so I’m gonna eat some ice cream cake and watch Conan. Night.